Hey, chin up. Just because you’ve lost your job through no fault of your own, there’s no need to be all down-hearted or to sink into the hand-to-mouth destitution of cheap groceries, court orders and rickets. Not just yet, anyway. It isn’t all rejection and despondency, you know, because there’s someone who always wants to see you, no matter how much you turn them away or pretend you don’t care.

That’s right, that’s us, we’re the Jobcentrehassleplus.

Jobcentrehassleplus loves you a lot, but knows you’re not ready to make a big commitment. We only want to see you once a fortnight – we can do lunch or dinner or, better still, how about a long and demeaning interview where we strip you of your dignity, kick you out of your wheelchair or surreptitiously induce you to work for free as Dolt-in-Residence at your local Tesco?

With Jobcentrehassleplus, your P45 opens a world of opportunity. Just look at the great services on offer in your nearest branch.

• Each of our centres is equipped with the latest high-tech gear, like paper and biros, and hologrammatic claim forms that enable us to misplace your details in three dimensions at once.
• The ATOS Crutch Burning Oven: ‘Making the lame crawl again’
• Every local newspaper in the world with each instance of the word ‘job’ highlighted in pink.
• A bank of crashed Jobsearchmachines that only show “marketing” jobs in Dorset offering £500,000 p.a. without mentioning it’s actually double glazing canvassing. and you will quite rightly go to Hell.
• Overbearing security personnel with plexi-glass demeanours.
• Teflon-coated management living a dream life of claimant oppression.
• A press office of pencil-necked vermin only interested in writing Goebbelic propaganda designed to incite hatred so that they may sideline the actual truth of the DWP.