Jan 2011
Welcome to the new efficient DoSS 2.0
18/01/11 13:00 Filed in: DoSS Business
Hello and welcome to the new rationalised Department of Social Scrutiny website. I do hope you enjoy using it, within the agreed levels of excitement as outlined in the 2009 Draft Orange Paper Framework of Permitted Exhilaration. Now let me briefly outline why the new Government has decided to dramatically improve the web presence of the Department of Social Scrutiny by spending less money on it.
When we came into power, it was incumbent upon us to change the incumbent way of doing things, thereby creating an incumbency loop that changes things in the way that they have always been changed: the progressive status quo, the new same old, the static leap.
It’s an exciting prospect and I’m not just talking about a semantic shift of priorities, but a real movement, like a large and heavy box full of, for example, hammers. I might be new to this Internet 2.0, but I’m sure that even in a digital Britain, we will always need hammers and they won’t always be exactly in the place we need them to be and so need to be moved around, by the box load on digital trolleys. Staff here at the Department have now informed me that the digital trolleys that move information around the internet (I am told that http stands for ‘hi-tech trolley protocol’) were insufficient for the considerable demands placed upon them by DoSS 2.0. On the advice of senior officials, this department has now purchased a new set of trolleys (and forklift trucks for the ‘backend’ FTP) from the very latest Nigerian entrepreneur.
I do hope that you understand the enormous breakthrough the staff here at DoSS have made in explaining this to me. So, as we say on the internet ‘taut cables and super surfing!’
Comments
About our wide-ranging reforms
17/01/11 13:31 Filed in: DoSS Business
"The Government, your Government, has had its difficulties recently. There have been accusations of sleaze, spin, whitewash and, most recently, less than wholesome conduct with a dead rhinoceros, but these setbacks are really just issues of presentation and the Government remains adhered to its policy of muscular modernisation.
Only one thing stands in our way: the political will as well as precision of thought, and let us not forget what might be referred to as that quality which is known as a clarity of expression.
New plans
That's why we are introducing our new plans. They form part of the Government's wide-ranging sweeping reforms which will overturn and build on the successful wide-ranging and sweeping reforms we introduced last year.
One of the problems with the successful old reforms was that people were uncertain of their position within society. Furthermore we are faced with the need to reformulate our, and by our I mean your, civil liberties in the context of a world where our, and by our I mean my, authority is under threat and where that threat is clearly and without a shadow of doubt, you. We want to change that by screening the population and assigning you, the person, a position in society based on objective rules rather than wishy-washy ideas about aspiration and hope.
New process
This new process will be known as Serf Assessment. The first step in this process will involve a series of short interviews to determine whether you are exempt from applying. These interviews will occur at DoSS offices in London over the course of the next few weeks.
People attending from outside the Home Counties will be allowed into the application office after inspections for head lice. Applicants using foul language outside the context of a discussion about art will be issued vouchers for oven chips and asked to leave.
We do commend these changes to you and I do hope you approve of them, because your future is certainly bleak if you do not. One can't make an omelette without cracking eggs, after all. Now all that's left for me to do is to beat one off."
Frequently Asked FAQs
16/01/11 13:35 Filed in: FAQs
Can you tell me a little bit about the DoSS website?
This website incorporates 150 cubic yards of JavaScript sprayed onto a lightweight superstructure of broken promises and Cryptically-Encoded-Hyperbole (CEH) - the new super-smooth non-stick material that lines the Space Shuttle lavatory and the press briefing room at Downing Street.
Where does all the money go?
You've mentioned chairs twice. How come?
In our full accounts, the additional office chair is balanced on the credit side by the presence of a chair fashioned from anti-matter. If we were to show both the chair and the anti-chair on the same graph the damage to the pie chart would be colossal.
The graph only adds up to 80%. How come?
Oh, it's you again. This is a bug in your web browser that is unable to handle modern accounting, particularly the new technique of bent numbers • the practise of plotting four different axes onto a three dimensional graph on a two dimensional surface. The accountant bends two copies of the graph and plots points using polarised light and a pair of specially adapted cheap sunglasses.
I have applied for a job with DoSS. How will I know whether my application was successful?
DoSS regularly communicates with its agents in the field via messages left in their household refuse. If you have not thought of going through your bin for secret mail from the Government, then we're sorry, you are simply too mentally stable to work for us. Thank you for your interest.
I'd like to write some favourable and compelling copy about DoSS. Where do I get your graphics from?
You can download both of our logos here.
Terms of use:
I agree to these terms:
This website incorporates 150 cubic yards of JavaScript sprayed onto a lightweight superstructure of broken promises and Cryptically-Encoded-Hyperbole (CEH) - the new super-smooth non-stick material that lines the Space Shuttle lavatory and the press briefing room at Downing Street.
Where does all the money go?
You've mentioned chairs twice. How come?
In our full accounts, the additional office chair is balanced on the credit side by the presence of a chair fashioned from anti-matter. If we were to show both the chair and the anti-chair on the same graph the damage to the pie chart would be colossal.
The graph only adds up to 80%. How come?
Oh, it's you again. This is a bug in your web browser that is unable to handle modern accounting, particularly the new technique of bent numbers • the practise of plotting four different axes onto a three dimensional graph on a two dimensional surface. The accountant bends two copies of the graph and plots points using polarised light and a pair of specially adapted cheap sunglasses.
I have applied for a job with DoSS. How will I know whether my application was successful?
DoSS regularly communicates with its agents in the field via messages left in their household refuse. If you have not thought of going through your bin for secret mail from the Government, then we're sorry, you are simply too mentally stable to work for us. Thank you for your interest.
I'd like to write some favourable and compelling copy about DoSS. Where do I get your graphics from?
You can download both of our logos here.
Terms of use:
- The two colours used in the DoSS logo are "Selsey Flapjack" and "Vichy Whisper".
- When using the chartermark, you must position it not more than 30cm away from a Government Minister at all times.
- You may face criminal prosecution if you use any of these logos in a way that reflects badly on DoSS: ie - pornography, pyramid schemes, negative news stories.
I agree to these terms:
Terms and Conditions
15/01/11 13:38 Filed in: Terms and Conditions
For your own safety and psychiatric wellbeing, please read the following terms and conditions carefully
Definitions.
These terms and conditions (hereinafter referred to as 'terms and conditions') form part of a contract between you (hereinafter referred to as 'you') and us (hereinafter referred to as 'Sir').
Jurisdiction.
For legal purposes, this contract shall be governed by the Laws of Canasta.
Privacy policy.
Information that you share with us may be used, at our discretion, by other Government Departments, other Governments, intelligence organisations, local councils, the Post Office, your neighbours, your friends, colleagues, business partners and lovers. This is what we mean by Open Government. Additionally, we may, in times of National Emergency, take out newspaper adverts featuring a picture of you as a child with a caption that reads: "Member of the Axis of Evil" or "Escaped Loony".
Definitions.
These terms and conditions (hereinafter referred to as 'terms and conditions') form part of a contract between you (hereinafter referred to as 'you') and us (hereinafter referred to as 'Sir').
Jurisdiction.
For legal purposes, this contract shall be governed by the Laws of Canasta.
Privacy policy.
Information that you share with us may be used, at our discretion, by other Government Departments, other Governments, intelligence organisations, local councils, the Post Office, your neighbours, your friends, colleagues, business partners and lovers. This is what we mean by Open Government. Additionally, we may, in times of National Emergency, take out newspaper adverts featuring a picture of you as a child with a caption that reads: "Member of the Axis of Evil" or "Escaped Loony".