Join the Selfservatives

We Need You


  • Are you a chinless sex-pest with wandering hands and a heightened sense of personal entitlement?
  • Do you follow a philosophy of self-enrichment through the medium of trouser-press purchase?
  • Would you be capable of throttling a pensioner if it was one of the conditions of entry into a tax avoidance scheme?
  • Has your taxpayer-funded property speculation made you into a scrounging tosser of the first order?

If ‘yes’ is the answer to any of these questions then we need you in the Selfservative Party. The Selfservatives are a like-minded group, a loose coalition, a fragrant collective of silver-tongued, soft-skinned kitty fiddlers.

Join us today; here at the Selfservatives, we are driven* by the need to help each other because, by doing so, it helps us help ourselves. Feel the camaraderie of a political party with real convictions (for fraud, gross indecency, perverting the course of justice and false accounting).

Join the Selfservatives today. Get in the trough because we’re all in it together.

*Although it was really our wife who was driving at the time.



Hey, chin up. Just because you’ve lost your job through no fault of your own, there’s no need to be all down-hearted or to sink into the hand-to-mouth destitution of cheap groceries and court orders. Not just yet, anyway. It isn’t all rejection and despondency, you know, because there’s someone who
always wants to see you, no matter how much you turn them away or pretend you don’t care.

That’s right, that’s us, we’re the Jobcentrehassleplus.

Jobcentrehassleplus loves you a lot, but knows you’re not ready to make a big commitment. We only want to see you once a fortnight – we can do lunch or dinner or, better still, how about a long and demeaning interview where we strip you of your dignity, kick you out of your wheelchair or surreptitiously induce you to work for free as Dolt-in-Residence at your local Tesco?

With Jobcentrehassleplus your P45 opens a world of opportunity. Just look at the great services on offer in your nearest branch.

  • Each of our centres is equipped with the latest high-tech gear, like paper and biros, and hologrammatic claim forms that enable us to misplace your details in three dimensions at once.
  • Every local newspaper in the world with each instance of the word ‘job’ highlighted in pink.
  • A bank of crashed Jobsearchmachines that only show “marketing” jobs in Dorset offering £500,000 p.a. without mentioning it’s actually double glazing canvassing. and you will quite rightly go to Hell.
  • Staff, now at software version 0,8,3 no longer yawn in the client’s face.
  • ATOS Crutch Burning Oven: ‘Making the lame crawl again’

Free DoSS eBook available

In keeping with the Government’s policy of Up-to-Date Digital Inclusion and timely sharing of official documents, we’re delighted to inform you that the 2010 Annotated edition of the Social Scrutiny book, Britain: What A State, is now available for free.

To download, go to And may God have mercy on your soul.

Merry Bureauchristmacy

Subject: 2011 Departmental Christmas Card Directive

This year's seasonal missive from the Department of Social Scrutiny will, for the first time, be enabled by your colleagues at the Ministry of Festive Observance.
This means that, unlike previous years where individual Departments were responsible for sending out cards unilaterally, MoFO is at long last able to enforce the Government's policy on Multilateral Minor Package Reciprocation or MMPR.

Under MMPR, cards will only be sent in response to a successful application for festive communication being received by MoFO before the end of the tax year in which Christmas occurred and claims for back-dated Seasonal Felicitations must now be made within seven years of the final hour of the last day of the fiscal year in which a qualifying Christmas occurred.

An example of one of the new forms is reproduced below.



DoSSPodCast & Espionage Forecast

An audio statement on the phone hacking scandal has been issued by the Department. Download the podcast below. Also contains the Espionage forecast for August.

Statement to the nation

DoSS updates its name and logo

In line with the coalition’s remit to “save money, whatever the cost”, it is with great pride that we can announce the Department is amalgamating with the Ministry for Auditing the Apocalympics. The new department will be known as the Department of Social Scrutiny and the Apocalypse - DoSSA.

We have commissioned a new logo - right - which, we think, mirror the new responsibilities of the Department while still in the traditional DoSS Pantone colours of Selsey Flapjack and Vichy Whisper. The logo integrates an Olympic Torch and a large bolide into the familiar DoSS eye device.

Copies of the new logo are available to all right-thinking newspaper editors. But not the News of the World, because they were on holiday at the time.

An audio statement on the phone hacking scandal has just been issued by the Department. Download the podcast below. Contains the Espionage forecast for August.


New Government logo makes everything ‘alright’ again


The Department of Social Scrutiny is delighted to announce the adoption of a new Royal Crest which, we believe, mirrors the true values of Modern Britain and is set to make everything OK again.

The new crest, however, contains a number of heraldic devices which it may be necessary to explain to people unfamiliar with the deep-rooted symbolism of power.

1 Lamb Rampant
The sheep's nature - that of a docile, fluffy and easily panicked animal that happily follows the crowd, bleating as it goes to be annually fleeced for its coat - has long symbolized the British people.

2 Ram Rampant
With its beard, hardened horn, fixed, dead and glassy gaze, the Ram symbolizes the meddling judiciary.

3 Coronation Lion
The Crowned Beast of Britannia which, since the onset of Avian Flu, replaces the Coronation Chicken.

4 Ombudslion
To ensure fairness and inclusiveness, the Coronation Lion is overseen, heraldically, by a further crowned lion, symbolizing the official Government Watchdog, the Ombudslion. The Government has obtained a legal dispensation from the Zoological Society of London to re-classify all lions as dogs.

5 Overlion
The Ombudslion is a wholly-owned Corporation of the Federal Government of Texas.

6 Insouciant Goat
The previously secret Cloven-Hoofed Beast that makes all the real decisions in Government is displayed for the first time here, under the terms of the Freedom of Information Act.

7 Deleted Reference
For reasons of decency, the Ceremonial Plate of Regal Turds cannot be displayed.

8 Cross, Pennant
Symbolizing the idea of nationhood - the crucifix that bears the nation's flag is hammered through the base of the brain of the people and exits through the chest, both stiffening the posture and acting as a crutch.

9 Ram's Gonads
This stands for the inalienable right of any members of the legal profession to display his or her genitals, the third Tuesday of every month.

Call Centre Charter

It is with great pride that the Department of Social Scrutiny unveils its latest Customer Service Charter today - the Blue Charter Mark, which consolidates our previous Brown Flag for Cleanliness and the Silver Earplug Award for Telephone Attention into one unbeatable service package.
This exciting package rolls many features into the Service Charter bundle, many of which are outlined below in the Customer Service Checklist.

Customer Service Checklist.
  • All telephone enquiries will be routed to Outer Mongolia via a 4,000 kilometre loop of bell wire.
  • Our contractors action your enquiry in Central Lowland Scottish accents to a call centre in Fife, who escalate your support request by staring out the window and visiting websites for the remainder of the day.
  • If you have a further enquiry, your call will be placed on hold while employees of our Fife call centre send one another emails containing slightly off-colour jokes featuring some degree of racial or sexual stereotyping and far too many exclamation marks.
  • You will then be played music on a poorly-edited 31 second tape loop that you will find yourself whistling at your grandmother's funeral six year later, having eventually seeped into your subconscious mind as a response to unswerving anger and sorrow.
  • If you are unsatisfied with our response to an automatically answered call, you can lodge an official appeal by recording the full conversation and playing it backwards at full volume to our Customer Defusing Centre, located at your local Mental Health Centre.
  • Our staff have the right to work without fear of encountering pushy people like you who want more than they can provide which is, by and large, nothing.

Welcome to the new efficient DoSS 2.0

From the office of the Minister of Truth and Other Information, Sir Alan Bladder, MP.
Hello and welcome to the new rationalised Department of Social Scrutiny website. I do hope you enjoy using it, within the agreed levels of excitement as outlined in the 2009 Draft Orange Paper Framework of Permitted Exhilaration. Now let me briefly outline why the new Government has decided to dramatically improve the web presence of the Department of Social Scrutiny by spending less money on it.

When we came into power, it was incumbent upon us to change the incumbent way of doing things, thereby creating an incumbency loop that changes things in the way that they have always been changed: the progressive status quo, the new same old, the static leap.

It’s an exciting prospect and I’m not just talking about a semantic shift of priorities, but a real movement, like a large and heavy box full of, for example, hammers. I might be new to this Internet 2.0, but I’m sure that even in a digital Britain, we will always need hammers and they won’t always be exactly in the place we need them to be and so need to be moved around, by the box load on digital trolleys. Staff here at the Department have now informed me that the digital trolleys that move information around the internet (I am told that http stands for ‘hi-tech trolley protocol’) were insufficient for the considerable demands placed upon them by DoSS 2.0. On the advice of senior officials, this department has now purchased a new set of trolleys (and forklift trucks for the ‘backend’ FTP) from the very latest Nigerian entrepreneur.

I do hope that you understand the enormous breakthrough the staff here at DoSS have made in explaining this to me. So, as we say on the internet ‘taut cables and super surfing!’

About our wide-ranging reforms

In the wake of the latest difficulties faced by the Government, Sir Edward Bicycle, the new Secretary of State for Social Scrutiny, unveils plans for a complete overhaul of how Government deals with you, the people.

"The Government, your Government, has had its difficulties recently. There have been accusations of sleaze, spin, whitewash and, most recently, less than wholesome conduct with a dead rhinoceros, but these setbacks are really just issues of presentation and the Government remains adhered to its policy of muscular modernisation.

Only one thing stands in our way: the political will as well as precision of thought, and let us not forget what might be referred to as that quality which is known as a clarity of expression.

New plans
That's why we are introducing our new plans. They form part of the Government's wide-ranging sweeping reforms which will overturn and build on the successful wide-ranging and sweeping reforms we introduced last year.

One of the problems with the successful old reforms was that people were uncertain of their position within society. Furthermore we are faced with the need to reformulate our, and by our I mean your, civil liberties in the context of a world where our, and by our I mean my, authority is under threat and where that threat is clearly and without a shadow of doubt, you. We want to change that by screening the population and assigning you, the person, a position in society based on objective rules rather than wishy-washy ideas about aspiration and hope.

New process
This new process will be known as Serf Assessment. The first step in this process will involve a series of short interviews to determine whether you are exempt from applying. These interviews will occur at DoSS offices in London over the course of the next few weeks.

People attending from outside the Home Counties will be allowed into the application office after inspections for head lice. Applicants using foul language outside the context of a discussion about art will be issued vouchers for oven chips and asked to leave.

We do commend these changes to you and I do hope you approve of them, because your future is certainly bleak if you do not. One can't make an omelette without cracking eggs, after all. Now all that's left for me to do is to beat one off."