A press office of pencil-necked vermin
01/09/14 09:39
Hey, chin up. Just because you’ve lost your job through no fault of your own, there’s no need to be all down-hearted or to sink into the hand-to-mouth destitution of cheap groceries, court orders and rickets. Not just yet, anyway. It isn’t all rejection and despondency, you know, because there’s someone who always wants to see you, no matter how much you turn them away or pretend you don’t care.
That’s right, that’s us, we’re the Jobcentrehassleplus.
Jobcentrehassleplus loves you a lot, but knows you’re not ready to make a big commitment. We only want to see you once a fortnight – we can do lunch or dinner or, better still, how about a long and demeaning interview where we strip you of your dignity, kick you out of your wheelchair or surreptitiously induce you to work for free as Dolt-in-Residence at your local Tesco?
With Jobcentrehassleplus, your P45 opens a world of opportunity. Just look at the great services on offer in your nearest branch.
- Each of our centres is equipped with the latest high-tech gear, like paper and biros, and hologrammatic claim forms that enable us to misplace your details in three dimensions at once.
- The ATOS Crutch Burning Oven: ‘Making the lame crawl again’
- Every local newspaper in the world with each instance of the word ‘job’ highlighted in pink.
- A bank of crashed Jobsearchmachines that only show “marketing” jobs in Dorset offering £500,000 p.a. without mentioning it’s actually double glazing canvassing. and you will quite rightly go to Hell.
- Overbearing security personnel with plexi-glass demeanours.
- Teflon-coated management living a dream life of claimant oppression.
- A press office of pencil-necked vermin only interested in writing Goebbelic propaganda designed to incite hatred so that they may sideline the actual truth of the DWP.
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Join the Selfservatives
26/07/14 15:10
We Need You
- Are you a chinless sex-pest with wandering hands and a heightened sense of personal entitlement?
- Do you follow a philosophy of self-enrichment through the medium of trouser-press purchase?
- Would you be capable of throttling a pensioner if it was one of the conditions of entry into a tax avoidance scheme?
- Has your taxpayer-funded property speculation made you into a scrounging tosser of the first order?
If ‘yes’ is the answer to any of these questions then we need you in the Selfservative Party. The Selfservatives are a like-minded group, a loose coalition, a fragrant collective of silver-tongued, soft-skinned kitty fiddlers.
Join us today; here at the Selfservatives, we are driven* by the need to help each other because, by doing so, it helps us help ourselves. Feel the camaraderie of a political party with real convictions (for fraud, gross indecency, perverting the course of justice and false accounting).
Join the Selfservatives today. Get in the trough because we’re all in it together.
*Although it was really our wife who was driving at the time.
