Apocalypse cancelled because of cuts

This year’s biggest event – the 2012 Apocalypse, sponsored by Cadbury’s Wispa – has been cancelled because of funding cuts, it has emerged. Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne made the announcement during a speech to the Conservative Party conference in which he attempted to amuse party backbenchers by withdrawing all signs of a compassionate society while simultaneously kicking a beggar to death.

But it appears that Osborne’s move on Armageddon miscalculated the mood of Conference, where Tory Grandees were apparently looking forward to the programme of brimstone and fire, as it appealed to their sado-masochistic sensibilities.

“George Osborne has forgotten that belching acid over the feckless and evil is a cornerstone of Conservative policy, nnnnng-ah”, noted one backbencher, as he hoisted himself by the scrotum up the stair well to the Conference BDSM Suite.