MI5's security advice for business

Our colleagues at MI5 have asked us to pass on some advice to businesses during COPSA - the current Code Orange Panther Security Alert. In keeping with the aims of joined-up Government, we have typed up Memo 18654(a) which we received earlier today from MI5 at the foot of the Chief of Staff's domestic shopping list. For your convenience, we have deleted the words Eggs and Yoghurt from the current draft, until such time as they become important to National Security
  • Beards.
    Employees with beards are rated by MI5 as Class Alpha Security Threats, except David Blunkett. Proceed with caution when dealing with Class Alpha Security Threats at all times. If they are not members of some kind of Al Qaeda cell, they are liberals, folk musicians or troublemakers of some other kind. Or David Blunkett.
  • Perimeter Security.
    Institute a Zero-Tolerance Perimeter Breach De-facilitating Initiative. Place notices at all points of entry expressly forbidding all terrorists to enter the building. Underline the notice with the phrase "This applies to you!"
  • Stay Vigilant.
    Pay close attention to employees who speak with a funny accent or insist on holding fluffy persian cats while they are talking. Eye patches, balaclavas and unidentifiable military uniform worn at work should also arouse suspicion.
  • Behaviour
    Employees who arrive for work in unmarked military helicopters or commute from a secret island in the Pacific Ocean should be regarded with utmost wariness. Unless their surname is Tracey.
  • Recruitment
    Employ someone who is adept at navigating the workplace via air conditioning ducts and conveniently-placed grills. Train them in the use of sub-machine guns and ground-based rocket launchers. Ensure that they have access to plenty of blueprints of your building and a supply of slightly-torn string vests. Encourage hirsuteness.

Identity Security

While DoSS, GCHQ and the NSA have only just announced their product development cycle for our groundbreaking new software - which has dutifully being collecting and ‘backing-up’ all those bits of sensitive information about you unbidden for the last five years, just in case - it’s nevertheless a good idea to keep your identity secure from everyone else, apart from us.

It’s good to be vigilant, even suspicious of everything untoward, except for that strange-looking van parked across the road (the one that has blacked out back windows and bears the name of a hitherto unknown utilities company), you don’t need to worry about that at all.

With this in mind, we present you the latest leaflet in our DoSS Guide to Security: a guide to identity theft. Click the image for a larger version.


Securing Your Home

A Britishperson’s home is his/her castle/castlette: so goes the popular saying, but how true is it? And why isn’t it? To help you answer these questions, the Department have published a leaflet on Home Security, so that you can feel utterly safe in your home, even if predatory stranglers are on your roof, a meth dealer puts a deposit on the semi-detached next door and you become preoccupied with a new methamphetamine clause in your Party Wall Agreement. Police attempts to deal with it are stymied by a concerted attempt to crack down on hopscotch courts in your neighbourhood. Click to enlarge.


A Timely Reminder of Peril

The Department of Social Scrutiny, through its regulator the Office of Peril Announcements and National Tireless Indefatigability in Extreme Situations (OFFPANTIES), has released the following advisory information in the event of ‘something kicking off’. Click image to see full size.


Home Office and DoSS Open Travel Agency

Our colleagues at the Home Office have issued new guidance to Britons wishing to leave the country – in the shape of our brand new DoSS travel agency, Go Away, your de-immigration resource of last resort! The new brochure is coming soon, but here’s a sneak peek at the cover.


Keep an eye on your text messages over the next few weeks and watch out for the winning SMS, which will contain a strongly-worded invitation to Go Away. Simply reply within 24 hours or await the arrival of the Home Office limousine to whisk you away to a waiting jet where you will experience a lot of potentially concentrated personal attention from our uniformed stewards.

Go Away: Your Holiday Company of Last Resort. ®