Apocolympics News

In preparation for the coming Tribulation, DoSSA survival expert Beaver Mulcaire* passes on tips for dealing with flesh-eating members of the Coalition Cabinet and income tax.

When it all goes tits-up next year and the wolves of the Tribulation bay for blood, you might be surprised to learn that the Coalition are still planning to govern the country in a “business-like manner”. While there will inevitably be some loss of life in the Cabinet when strange uni-dimensional beings who live between the gaps in Conservative logic claim back Wild Gideon as their son, or when Vince Cable finally goes native with a fishing rod and a red cap under Westminster Bridge, it will inevitably come to wider public attention that most of the Government succumbed to the zombie taste for human flesh years ago and have just been patiently marking time, occasionally forming hunting parties to raid the monkey house at London Zoo or the odd middle class glamping site where the meat is more tender.

The main upshot of all of this is that HMRC will still be responsible for collecting taxes and Jobcentreplus still charged with investigating fraud. But with the treasury minister responsible likely to be one of the Living Dead, you might like to reflect on your survival as well as your accountancy and jobsearch skills. However, if a member of the HMRC or Benefits Enforcement Teams do call, here are some tips as to how to proceed.

  • As soon as you suspect that there may be a tax collector or benefit investigator outside your home you must take decisive action. Improvise a meat catapult at a first floor window and hurl steaks, opened tins of winalot and fresh pets away from your home. Enforcement teams can smell blood but are equally attracted to mature, slightly dodgy food. Kebabs send them wild.
  • Fashion a spear or javelin from an old pool cue or a garden fork. Paint the tips red and yellow, to invoke the McDonalds paradigm of meat marketing and write the magical invocation “Dieu Et Mon Droit” down the shaft. None of this will help, but it will pass the time creatively.
  • Wear a string vest and lederhosen - apart from making you look deeply unappetising, you will appear more difficult to unwrap to a hungry member of the Undead, who just wants quick “Food on the Go”.

* Beaver Mulcaire is the Shamanic Name of the Minister of Truth and Other Information, Sir Alan Bladder, MP.