The Seven Signs of the Apocalypse

According to the Department of Social Scrutiny and the Apocalypse there are seven signs that the world may be about to end. Our professional eschatologists believe that the seven portents of ultimate doom - omens that signify that the End of Days is upon us - are:
1. The World of Furniture Sale comes to an end and the true, horrifying price of sofas and occasional tables is revealed for the very first time;
2. Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs decline a self-assessment payment on account for the tax year 2012-2013;
3. The Gas Safety Inspectorate issue a certificate for the fires of eternal damnation;
4. The radius of Simon Cowell’s ego becomes so large, his X-Factor star dressing room spontaneously collapses to form a black hole;
5. No traffic cones are visible on the M25;
6. Cannibalism becomes fashionable. Heston Blumenthal flambés a stockbroker with the aid of a Eurofighter engine and Delia microwaves a dozen professional golfers in the Large Hadron Collider;
7. Barn Owls learn how to do quadratic equations.