It is with great pride that the Department of Social Scrutiny unveils its latest Customer Service Charter today - the Blue Charter Mark, which consolidates our previous Brown Flag for Cleanliness and the Silver Earplug Award for Telephone Attention into one unbeatable service package. This exciting package rolls many features into the Service Charter bundle, many of which are outlined below in the Customer Service Checklist.
Customer Service Checklist.
All telephone enquiries will be routed to Outer Mongolia via a 4,000 kilometre loop of bell wire.
Our contractors action your enquiry in Central Lowland Scottish accents to a call centre in Fife, who escalate your support request by staring out the window and visiting websites for the remainder of the day.
If you have a further enquiry, your call will be placed on hold while employees of our Fife call centre send one another emails containing slightly off-colour jokes featuring some degree of racial or sexual stereotyping and far too many exclamation marks.
You will then be played music on a poorly-edited 31 second tape loop that you will find yourself whistling at your grandmother's funeral six year later, having eventually seeped into your subconscious mind as a response to unswerving anger and sorrow.
If you are unsatisfied with our response to an automatically answered call, you can lodge an official appeal by recording the full conversation and playing it backwards at full volume to our Customer Defusing Centre, located at your local Mental Health Centre.
Our staff have the right to work without fear of encountering pushy people like you who want more than they can provide which is, by and large, nothing.
The Department of Social Scrutiny is delighted to announce the adoption of a new Royal Crest which, we believe, mirrors the true values of Modern Britain and is set to make everything OK again. The new crest, however, contains a number of heraldic devices which it may be necessary to explain to people unfamiliar with the deep-rooted symbolism of power.
1 Lamb Rampant The sheep's nature - that of a docile, fluffy and easily panicked animal that happily follows the crowd, bleating as it goes to be annually fleeced for its coat - has long symbolized the British people.
2 Ram Rampant With its beard, hardened horn, fixed, dead and glassy gaze, the Ram symbolizes the meddling judiciary.
3 Coronation Lion The Crowned Beast of Britannia which, since the onset of Avian Flu, replaces the Coronation Chicken.
4 Ombudslion To ensure fairness and inclusiveness, the Coronation Lion is overseen, heraldically, by a further crowned lion, symbolizing the official Government Watchdog, the Ombudslion. The Government has obtained a legal dispensation from the Zoological Society of London to re-classify all lions as dogs.
5 Overlion The Ombudslion is a wholly-owned Corporation of the Federal Government of Texas.
6 Insouciant Goat The previously secret Cloven-Hoofed Beast that makes all the real decisions in Government is displayed for the first time here, under the terms of the Freedom of Information Act.
7 Deleted Reference For reasons of decency, the Ceremonial Plate of Regal Turds cannot be displayed.
8 Cross, Pennant Symbolizing the idea of nationhood - the crucifix that bears the nation's flag is hammered through the base of the brain of the people and exits through the chest, both stiffening the posture and acting as a crutch.
9 Ram's Gonads This stands for the inalienable right of any members of the legal profession to display his or her genitals, the third Tuesday of every month.
The two colours used in the DoSS logo are "Selsey Flapjack" and "Vichy Whisper".
When using the chartermark, you must position it not more than 30cm away from a Government Minister at all times.
You may face criminal prosecution if you use any of these logos in a way that reflects badly on DoSS: ie - pornography, pyramid schemes, negative news stories.