Hey, chin up. Just because you’ve lost your job through no fault of your own, there’s no need to be all down-hearted or to sink into the hand-to-mouth destitution of cheap groceries and court orders. Not just yet, anyway. It isn’t all rejection and despondency, you know, because there’s someone who
always wants to see you, no matter how much you turn them away or pretend you don’t care.

That’s right, that’s us, we’re the Jobcentrehassleplus.

Jobcentrehassleplus loves you a lot, but knows you’re not ready to make a big commitment. We only want to see you once a fortnight – we can do lunch or dinner or, better still, how about a long and demeaning interview where we strip you of your dignity, kick you out of your wheelchair or surreptitiously induce you to work for free as Dolt-in-Residence at your local Tesco?

With Jobcentrehassleplus your P45 opens a world of opportunity. Just look at the great services on offer in your nearest branch.

  • Each of our centres is equipped with the latest high-tech gear, like paper and biros, and hologrammatic claim forms that enable us to misplace your details in three dimensions at once.
  • Every local newspaper in the world with each instance of the word ‘job’ highlighted in pink.
  • A bank of crashed Jobsearchmachines that only show “marketing” jobs in Dorset offering £500,000 p.a. without mentioning it’s actually double glazing canvassing. and you will quite rightly go to Hell.
  • Staff, now at software version 0,8,3 no longer yawn in the client’s face.
  • ATOS Crutch Burning Oven: ‘Making the lame crawl again’

Apocolympic Diary – Risk Management

With the recent intervention of the 2012 Apocalypse Steering Committee, many Games events have been subject to regulatory amendments mandated by synergies inherent in the collaborative process. Fencing, in particular, has had its core qualities changed by Team Apocalypse, who have successfully challenged the use of the foil, the épée and sabre in favour of late medieval-style bastard swords and with them, two new point-scoring moves, the hack and the gore.

Even in training, the new equipment and moves have engendered some health and safety outcome issues and it remains to be seen whether the Apocalypse Steering Committee’s new compromises over the amended regulations will positively impact on the current outcome of the risk assessment; that assessment ended with the telling phrase ‘We’re all going to die’. It is hoped that we may be able to re-engineer the qualitative upshot using a linguistic hermeneutic model to facilitate a variant cognisance of the facts, viz., ‘We might possibly suffer a failure of existence as a short-run consequence of a steel-anatomical interface’.

Following a meeting between Games officials and the formal representatives of the 2012 Apocalypse, there have been some changes to the Synchronised Swimming and Water Polo competitions at the Aquatics Centre. Health and safety officials from the Games had expressed some concerns over proposals from our divine overlords to conduct these events in a pool of vitriol and molten brimstone which would also, it was thought, jeopardize the spirit of the Games.

Representatives of the 2012 Apocalypse appealed for a more inclusive line from the Games, noting that the Centre was constructed on an Iron Age burial site and that the ancestral spirits were angry and were demanding some form of redress.

Compromise was reached when Games officials agreed to contract Balfour Beatty to construct a henge in the warm-up pool and, as part of the Olympic Legacy, to instigate a quarterly regime of exorcisms by a British Standards 5750-compliant Catholic priest.

Apocolympic Diary – The 5th Horseman

Memo to members of the International Olympic Committee
News has come to us, through the usual channels, that a fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse, “Dressage”, has been created by the 2012 Apocalypse Committee to compete in the event that bears his name.

Until recently, it was unclear which nation’s flag he would compete under as difficult conditions in the sky dictate that there are presently UN Sanctions in force against both Niburu and Hades which are, respectively, his home address and his place of work, but the Government have seen fit, in the extraordinary circumstances, to modify their methodology and make him a British subject, while awarding him an MBE for good measure and fast-track an application to make him Harbinger Laureate in the process.

With many of the formalities out of the way, Dressage still faces a drugs test as suspicions about anabolic steroids have arisen, mostly on account of the fact that he is over 12 feet tall and occasionally appears to gently smolder at the end of a round. His explanation - that he is “made of wrath, fury and choleric ill-will to all puny human life” - has now understood to have been taken aboard by the surviving members of the official Olympic Misuse of Drugs Committee who, at the end of the day, were hitherto unable to operationalise the request proactively.

Apocolympic Diary

Part of my remit as Deputy Lead Liaison Officer (Strategy and Outreach Legacy Benchmarking) for the London Games is to actualise a written account of the experience of putting on the games, outlining the key aspects of strategic methodology and thought leadership required to promote a result-focus at the organisational interface. At the core of this account is our commitment to action benchmark Legacy deliverables and derivative sustainability and embed them into the games envelope.

That said, Official Stakeholders will be encouraged, via the inclusivity regime, to develop their human capital in pursuit of the larger commercial envelope and to deploy their own outreach resources to measure their aspirations against the Legacy benchmark.

I attended a meeting of other Games officials so that we could focus collectively as a group on some of the step changes in our Strategy for the Olympic Legacy that have been necessitated by environmental concerns, vis-a-vis a number of instances of extra-planetary peril. The International Olympics Committee, in particular, have expressed concerns that our original bid document does not contain any contingency measures that might be needed in the event of an alien invasion, a disruption in the fabric of the Solar System or the appearance of the Antichrist™.

A Quality Action Team (QAT) has been assembled, drawing on the expertise of Games officials with experience in risk assessment and health and safety, to evaluate and appraise the Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities and Threats inherent in the circumstances presented to us by the appearance of the following:
  • Wholesale paranormal activity;
  • The proximity of a Type 7 Brown Dwarf Star;
  • Radio transmissions from a non-indigenous fleet of nearby spaceships and;
  • An Antichrist™, to name but a few.

Resolutions were tabled - and passed - to verify the nature of the Brown Dwarf star and, where feasible, work towards a safety certificate compliance process whereby it may be awarded the appropriate British Standards Kitemark.

As part of my remit in Strategy and Outreach Benchmarking, my assignment is to onboard external partners; all future communications with outreach targets will be actioned by my team at the appropriate decision latitude.

The Antichrist™ is a different - and difficult - matter, however, and for those reasons the QAT has formed a sub-committee with the remit of bringing Him/Her and/or It on board with an offer of Tier 1 Sponsorship and full-colour advertising space in the official programme. A PDF of terms and conditions of sponsorship have been forwarded to the Antichrist™ and it is hoped that some synergy between the Games and Him/Her and/or It can be leveraged

Free DoSS eBook available

In keeping with the Government’s policy of Up-to-Date Digital Inclusion and timely sharing of official documents, we’re delighted to inform you that the 2010 Annotated edition of the Social Scrutiny book, Britain: What A State, is now available for free.

To download, go to And may God have mercy on your soul.