Hey, chin up. Just because you’ve lost your job through no fault of your own, there’s no need to be all down-hearted or to sink into the hand-to-mouth destitution of cheap groceries and court orders. Not just yet, anyway. It isn’t all rejection and despondency, you know, because there’s someone who
always wants to see you, no matter how much you turn them away or pretend you don’t care.
That’s right, that’s us, we’re the Jobcentrehassleplus.
Jobcentrehassleplus loves you a lot, but knows you’re not ready to make a big commitment. We only want to see you once a fortnight – we can do lunch or dinner or, better still, how about a long and demeaning interview where we strip you of your dignity, kick you out of your wheelchair or surreptitiously induce you to work for free as Dolt-in-Residence at your local Tesco?
With Jobcentrehassleplus your P45 opens a world of opportunity. Just look at the great services on offer in your nearest branch.
- Each of our centres is equipped with the latest high-tech gear, like paper and biros, and hologrammatic claim forms that enable us to misplace your details in three dimensions at once.
- Every local newspaper in the world with each instance of the word ‘job’ highlighted in pink.
- A bank of crashed Jobsearchmachines that only show “marketing” jobs in Dorset offering £500,000 p.a. without mentioning it’s actually double glazing canvassing. and you will quite rightly go to Hell.
- Staff, now at software version 0,8,3 no longer yawn in the client’s face.
- ATOS Crutch Burning Oven: ‘Making the lame crawl again’
In keeping with the Government’s policy of Up-to-Date Digital Inclusion and timely sharing of official documents, we’re delighted to inform you that the 2010 Annotated edition of the Social Scrutiny book, Britain: What A State, is now available for free.
To download, go to http://www.socialscrutiny.org/book.php
And may God have mercy on your soul.
Subject: 2011 Departmental Christmas Card Directive
This year's seasonal missive from the Department of Social Scrutiny will, for the first time, be enabled by your colleagues at the Ministry of Festive Observance.
This means that, unlike previous years where individual Departments were responsible for sending out cards unilaterally, MoFO is at long last able to enforce the Government's policy on Multilateral Minor Package Reciprocation or MMPR.
Under MMPR, cards will only be sent in response to a successful application for festive communication being received by MoFO before the end of the tax year in which Christmas occurred and claims for back-dated Seasonal Felicitations must now be made within seven years of the final hour of the last day of the fiscal year in which a qualifying Christmas occurred.
An example of one of the new forms is reproduced below.