• All telephone enquiries will be routed to Outer Mongolia via a 4,000 kilometre loop of bell wire.
  
• Our contractors action your enquiry in Central Lowland Scottish accents to a call centre in Fife, who escalate your support request by staring out the window and visiting websites for the remainder of the day.
• If you have a further enquiry, your call will be placed on hold while employees of our Fife call centre send one another emails containing slightly off-colour jokes featuring some degree of racial or sexual stereotyping and far too many exclamation marks.
• You will then be played music on a poorly-edited 31 second tape loop that you will find yourself whistling at your grandmother's funeral six year later, having eventually seeped into your subconscious mind as a response to unswerving anger and sorrow.
• If you are unsatisfied with our response to an automatically answered call, you can lodge an official appeal by recording the full conversation and playing it backwards at full volume to our Customer Defusing Centre, located at your local Mental Health Centre.
• Our staff have the right to work without fear of encountering pushy people like you who want more than they can provide which is, by and large, nothing.

Tags: FAQs