Dynnargh welcome Degemer mat namwikhoyele dobre doshli ALI Maraba
Welcome to Delphi Incomprehensive
Itās Monday
History
"Before I forget to tell you·listen up·shush·shush·listen·tomorrow weāll be interviewing some old people. Iāll give you a list of questions. Theyāre quite funny." "What are, sir? The old people?" "Now, now. Donāt be rude." "Sir, what if theyāre deaf?" "Sir, what if they canāt remember anything? "·or start to cry?" "·or start to wet themselves?" "Stop being silly, now." "Sir?" "Yes, Bull" "Sir, what if they die?" "Brown? Cāmon Bull, shush, listen up, please·Thanks gents. Tituba! Pay attention·If you watch interviewers on TV, you notice they sometimes have to develop their questions according to the replies they get. Some are better at it than others·"
Thereās the sound of eyes glassing over, minds switching off, crisps being crunched, crisp packets being scrunched and some short tinkling bursts of giggling. The boy Iām helping offers me some chewing gum.
"Betty! Betty!" Must be Betty walking past. Betty gives a wave. Sebastian, "Sir, do you like my apron? Attractive isnāt it?" "Shush! Sit down. Whereās Abigail?" "On the beach, Sir." "Swine rebel that she is. OK a coupla things·for the remaining 4 weeks·Iām glad someoneās ready to work·show us your apron then·Angel! Arthur! Alfred! Shush! And listen please·Iām being posh·itās very impoprtant you bring all of your notes·I say all· shush·Yoko!·to every lesson." Someone, "Notes! He! He!" Teacher, "May I arsk what twelve and a half per cent of 1500 words is? Digger? Itās rrrrecommended·oooh my tongue·1500 words·.not a lot·.so letās·." "Sir? You know how we can get penalised for using too many words?·" "Sir? The way you say, ĪMay I arskā sounds like Īmy arseā·" "Lots of tasks, Cloe·how can I get all the work done·.ok let me give you some assistance·" Sebastian, "I always write in pink now."
One of the girls, Shira, can bring her folded arms over her head without letting go of her hands. This gets the teacher interested. He asks her to do it one last time for the group but she pretends to be too embarrassed. After a lot of coaxing and the promise of a fag from Tituba she does it again and then everyone wants to ry it. Predictably, squeals of pain fill the air just before the siren goes and the teacher starts to wind down.
Itās three oāclock.
My work here finishes in twelve days and I know I'm going to miss these people.
Dynnargh welcome shagatom ingileni mwabonwa z dobym prybytsyom Zaprashajem magandang umaga po welkam dobro dosli bbolje vas nasli
Tuesday
Hawkeyeās Exam
This morning Iām sitting with a student whoās taking his Science Test. He was waiting for me outside Administration and seemed a little shy and self-conscious. His family has been fisher-folk for centuries and now the schoolās trying to turn him into a scientist. His name is Hawkeye.
Hawkeyeās doing this test under the same conditions as the ones he took last month, in a room by himself accompanied by a chaperone. This test is just as surrounded by confusion and caked in bad organisation, as was last monthās.
The first room we are allocated has a rabble of Year 8s already in it so we make our way back to Administration for guidance. By chance, I bump into our dearly beloved Team Leader who suggests we take the room she was going to use.
Itās about ten miles across the school, down corridors and up staircases. Hawkeye is getting jumpy. His test should have started long ago. He starts sniffing and generally clearing his sinuses. I donāt know if this is a nervous reaction from being shooed around from room to room ages after his examination should have officially started or if it is indeed a stuffed nasal problem, probably a little of both. Either way, he was losing confidence and I needed to get him settled as soon as possible.
I notice a computer room is empty so I collect the keys from the computer geeks and before Hawkeye knew it he was happily chewing his pen over the Mix Īnā Match Proton questions.
The room was like an oven yet he just canāt stop sniffing. And heās getting worse. Itās becoming Īa Hawkeye thingā. He needs a box of tissues. He wants to get them himself. Then he notices a roll of Tescoās kitchen paper, (extra soft), near the white board and calms down. A deep breath and several Force 8 gusts later, he sails through the first part of his exam with a host of seagulls in his wake. He looks pleased with himself and shyly asks for the second part of his paper.
We are about 5 minutes into this bit when we are kicked out by a Maths teacher with a class of Year 7 under his wing. At least he offers me the key to his own classroom, so we set off once again hiking down corridors.
"I love the sea and wild animals but, try as I may, I just canāt get interested in Science."
The Maths teacherās room is bright and airy and my student soon settles himself down behind the teacherās desk. I open all the windows and the door to the playing fields. Inside the shaded room, Hawkeye is soon happily sniffing and concentrating away. "Hawkeye, you can have as long as you like. Youāre well in advance." He grins.
I sit on a chair in the doorway. This is wonderful. A typical summerās morning with bird life a-twittering, sunny blue skies above, the sun on my face and nothing but fresh air fills the gap between me and complete calm. Itās still only 9.20am and itās going to be a sizzler.
I slide down in my seat until Iām almost horizontal and close my eyes. A distant train rumbles past on its way north. I can hear excited shouts from the distant tennis court and other, more serious ones coming through the window of the classroom next door. In between I can hear a mixture of birdsong, traffic, the hissing of steam from the school kitchens and the sound of someone close by blowing their hooter.
Hawkeye has finished and thereās still half an hour to go. He sits on a railing and he talks about the sea. When I tell him Iād like a little boat myself one day, he tells me all I need to know about choosing my first one. He tells me a tale about a man who only had sail and was in grave danger when caught without wind. "...an engine can save your life". Then he talks of people who buy big engines to impress their friends without thinking of how little they have to push. "Waste of time and energy. Then thereās those who donāt think about their missus gettinā wet when thereās a sqawl!" He looks through narrowed eyes to the horizon then, after a little diagnosis, he promptly suggests, "Why don't you try yourself with a Dory or a small cabin cruiser?"
He seems to think thereās no need for further discussion and I believe him.
As we talk, we notice a little squirrel hop across the sweet and juicy grass from the shadows of the pines and stop beside a waste bin. It was a waste bin with a wide slot on each side so after a few seconds we can just make out his silhouette on the inside. Two crows waddle over obviously intent on also scavenging whateverās on offer so theyāre a little put out at finding it occupied. They wait. A seagull arcs across the grass and swoops on some discarded thing. The crows are like paparazzi testing every angle for a scoop. They wait and patrol. They screech.
Casually, a huge cloud obscures the heat and a welcome breeze wafts across our skin.
Suddenly, the squirrel reappears and leaps at the crows making them squawk and flap in panic. They back off and he jumps back in the bin to continue his meal.
"I wonder what heās eating?"
"Itās a half-eaten chicken burger with mayonnaise and ketchup." "How do you know that?"
"Because I threw it there yesterday and they haven't emptied the bins yet."
The crows are pretty pissed off because theyāve probably been using that bin for years. Itās their bin, for Chrisās sake. Who does the squirrel think he is? Both crows walk off someway then turn back to watch, too scared to come any closer. They screech a few times before fighting between themselves over a scrap of something that the seagull accidentally drops on the grass. Now the seagull looks a little annoyed at being robbed in front of all his mates who have been gathering on the surrounding guttering in anticipation of the end of the forthcoming break. Thatās when they swoop and hoover up all the stuff the kids canāt eat or be bothered to pick up after theyāve littered the area. The bravest of the crows returns to the bin to have a go at the squirrel. All seems quiet.
Over in the distance, we can just make out the squirrel who is long gone and can be seen hopping across the grass on its way back to the pines for a welcome lie down. The crows waddle off, defeated. The seagulls on the rooftops see the sqirrel and start to jeer and laugh and boo at the crows. The test is over.
"So, Hawkeye. How do you think you did in your Science exam?"
He sniffs.
"Not so bad actually. I was OK with the question on protons and the hyperthetical vortex theory but I think I got distracted and made a complete cock-up of wave/particle duality. Problem was, I could smell the sea and I think itās going to rain." He sniffs again."And Iāve left my boat uncovered."
Dynnargh welcome Om swatsyatsu Kush amdeed Yang shok Kanani Nāoumagner Akwaba rekhim itegez Ongi etorri Untsa jin Yaw shchyra zaprashajem wacko
Science
9am and no sign of the teacher. Captain Marcel Kellog and I shuffle our feet and tell each other jokes about quantum theory and mathematical symmetries. The rest of the waiting students absent mindedly form two groups. The girls stand a little way down from the door and talk about the questionable necessity of boy friends or sago pudding. The boys straggle and talk about skate boarding and make smells.
The Teacher marches up and opens the door. "Sorry Iām late" He seems to say this to his own refelction in the window of the door.
Dulux looks at his watch and tuts, "Sir, youāre late!" "Iām allowed to be" Dulux makes a note in his jotter.
Inside the classroom all the windows are tightly shut and the blinds are drawn. The teacher makes a profound statement, "Itās bleedinā Īot in Īere, innit?"
La Bore peers at the students in the adjacent classroom through the narrow window in the partition door. Obviously, she doesnāt recognise anyone or we would all know by now.
Barbara hasnāt stopped talking since she sat down. Sheās about to get engaged. The teacher calls out, "Barbara!" "WOT?" "Stop talking and eating" but she continues munching away letting crumbs tumble from her mouth. She seems happy enough.
Po is wired for sounds.
Small pools of giggling and whispering break out around the room.
"Wadda we do?" La Bore is pleased with her American accent and falls into forced giggling. The teacher invites her to go somewhere else in the school. Heās unusually peeved. The girls in the back row group for possible gossip opportunities. Out of nowhere one screams, "Bitch!"
Thereās an outbreak of contagious yawning, chewing and more whispering· "and then he pulls out this camera "· giggle, giggle.
The teacher tries to get the studentsā attention by using a selection of scientific expressions, "·flaccid·erect·floppy·stiff·rigid·turgid·but eventually resorts to the usual·osmosis·nucleus·photosynthesis·cell structure·
Meanwhile, Barbara is tucking into her History project right in front of the teacher. He is furious and tries to close her guide book of Pindanny Castle. She flares up and screams, "Let go of it! Let go! Weāve done your lesson already!" The teacher knows this is true and silently hangs his head in shame.
La Bore strolls around the classroom singing but gives up when she realises nobodyās taking any notice.
Po scrutinises her personal stereo thinking La Boreās singing is in fact distortion in her head phones.
La Bore sums up her fascination with the subject in hand, "Iām gettingā well bored now."
Some kids have passed their absorption capacity and now look completely vacant, emotionless and zombied. Class focusing may have broken down.
La Bore suddenly has a flash of inspiration, "Play the Beatles. Yeah, play the Beatles. I know all the words to them" Barbara scowls, "No one was asking you, La Bore." Iāve never heard anyone speak their mind about La Bore before. I smile at Barbara. Her eyes roll skyward.
Mademoiselle La Bore comes over to the teacherās desk and starts reading the Beatles CD. She barks an order at the teacher, "Play No.10 then number 11!" The Teacher puts the requested tunes through the computer then turns to Barbara, "OK Barbara. Put away the texting. Please listen. Itās for your own good." He waits·and waits·then sighs and says, "Next Tuesday is your Science Module Exam." Groans all round. "But if your intermediate tests are anything to go by, youāll have no problems." "Sir, Can you tell us some of the answers now, please?" The Fishermanās Son likes to be prepared. "I can tell you that the main range of questions cover molecular biology, photons and elctrons, the Meaning of Uncertainty and Random Colouring In. There are extra marks for unravelling the DNA structure from memory. Good Luck."
Captain Marcel Kellog smiles to himself because he knows heās good.
Teacher, "Heading: Our Town and the Second World War. Please listen to me. Listen up, listen now, KK? The Castle was built by Henry VIII between 2040-43 and cost TE50,000,000. C,mon now. Please listen. The Barrack Roads provides us with the third deepest natural harbour in the world."
Meanwhile, the teacherās lesson is accompanied by the sounds of rustling crisp packets, crunching, water being gulped and chewing. The teacher continues, "Shush! Amber. Listen please. Any chance of you writing this down?" Demetta bursts one bubblegum balloon after another. I give her one of my looks.
The teacher tries again, "Can you stop talking now, please?"
The song of an ancient Beatlesā tune drifts through the summer air from the front row. "Na nana nana na na. Hey, Jude."
The teacher makes a joke, "Teachers talk in other peopleās sleep." He turns to me, "Iām flogging a dead horse here".
Duffy wants to know, "Sir, why am I getting told off so much today?" The Teacher, "Was that a telling off? Anyway, listen up. Pindanny to St.Megrim is about one mile."
Tinkerbell, "Sir, do you know that in identical twins, one is often right-handed and the other is often left-handed?" "Thank you, Tink." "Unreal" says Duff.
"Sir, whatās does the diagram on the whiteboard represent?ā
"Itās a simple device I use to represent the movement of particles through space and time. We use Time Travel to unearth hitherto unknown facts about our existence and to corroborate previous assumptions ö of both future and past. Your History lessons would just be guesswork without Time Travel."
Polly, "Sir, I think Iām allergic to school. In every lesson I start to sneeze."
Duffy, "Sir, can I take a portable TV with me on our trip to Carclew Castle?"
One kid has had his hand up so long heās almost fallen asleep. Without thinking he calls out, "Dad!"
The Teacher looks hopeful. "Did you call me Dad, son?" "No sir. I was a mistake."
Dynnargh welcome uinuinirutau suma-uthma jawilla xosh galmisan abala, lite utchole om swastyastu khush amdeed
Science Friday
The teacher blusters in dropping A4 sheets and pencils all around.
"Sir. Youāre late." Dulux is very cross. "Well spotted!" The teacher is being sarcastic. Dulux makes a note in his jotter. The teacher is having a bad day and his day is just about to get worse.
Lippyās having her weekly rummage through the cupboard.
Teacher, "Have you done this test?"
Most of the kids, "Yes"
"Iāll go and get another." ö disappears.
As usual, class falls quiet as soon as he leaves the room. The Fishermanās Son turns to me and asks, "Guess what I got in Food Tech.?" "What?" "D4" "Is that good?" "Thatās CRAP" "Well, you ARE crap!"
As soons as the teacher is in her sights again, Lippy cranks up and aims her mouth in his direction, "I left my poster in here and now youāve lost it. I want you to make me another." More panicky now, "I left it Īere. Cāmon! Where is it? You lost it. It had my work in it·etc·.etc·" The teacher, "You always look for a reason to do nothing." "I left it on your desk." Sheās like a shark that just wont let go. "What is it with teachers in this school that they always lose your work?" She finds her work. Teacher "Where was it?" "Where you left it and youāve made it all curly now!"
Teacher, "Why are you writing on the desk, Khol?" "I donāt know."
Dulux, "Thereās no air in here." Teacher,"Thatās what keeps everyone quiet."
They begin the test. He does the register.
Quite seriously the teacher calls out, "Has anyone seen Khol today? I think Iāve seen her myself somewhere." He looks into the heavily made up eyes of the student in front of him. "Ah, sheās sitting right in front of me. Thatās where Iāve seen her somewhere today."
Lippy, "Mr. James?" "Yes, Miss Lippy?" "May I have a rubber?" He quivers very, very slightly. "In the staff room we have bean bags. We download student s faces from the school record then get our baseball bats and batter them until we feel better." Lippy, "Sir, can you put some music on?" "Itās a possibility." Lippy, "Not that house stuff. Play the eighties." She must have been ignored at home. "Can you put some music on?" The Redhead, "Sir, can you put some music on?" "Iām waiting for the computer to start up can you not play with the tap please? Jackie leave the tap alone. Tad leave it alone." Po, "Sir, can you get emphysema from drinking Bacardi Breezers?" He goes into a detailed analysis of the breathing complaint and its sources and repercussions. Po feigns interest.
The Fisheremanās Son is eating something fishy. He says, "This is what I call the food lesson."
Lippy, "Put some music on..." Welsh, "Whatās the answer to number 7, sir?" "Gravity and moisture I wouldāve thought." Welsh, "Whatās the answer to 8.2?" Sir is gradually losing his sense of humour. "The schlera. The schlera. For goodness sake, do you want me to sit you on my knee and take you through it like in a storybook?" Po, "Sir, youāre a paedophile." Lippy "Donāt be so Īorrible sir. You bully." Po, "Sir, are you a paedophile?" "Letās all have a go at him."
The Teacher, "The iris controls the amount of light·" "Sir, what does the optic nerve carry?" "Messages to the brain, Welsh."
Someone whistles a jolly tune. Zabbata makes farty noises with her mouth. Lippy, about something nobody else is interested in, "That is absolute crap." Sheās desperate for attention now.
The kids ask the teacher for answers to their test and he calls them out.
Meanwhile Lippy smarms, "Do you like my poster, Sir? It represents the complimentary properties of the spin vector but measured individually." "No." "Why not?" "No colour" "I donāt do COLOUR." "I donāt do LIKE."
Zabatta, "Can I have a marking sheet?" No response. Zabbata's from a large family. "Sir! For Christās sake! Sir!"
The lesson draws to a close and the answers to the questions are projected onto a wall. Sir came out top. Well done, sir!
"Can we have some music now?" "Itās not really worth it at this time is it? And Dulux please donāt forget your impression of the Anthropic Principle of Throwing Paper Balls and its effects on Alpha radiation. By Tuesday please."
Dynnargh welcome biemplagaus pari yegak ghini vinishi werte marda Akwaaba afayaivos bienveniu ghini vinishi karibu purintaxa e-la
Welcome to Delphi Incomprehensive
Maths June 23rd Yr. 9
Pretty girl, "I hate after shave. Donāt know how people can wear it." Brainy Boy to Pretty Girl, "Alright smelly?" Hard Boy strides in and throws himself into a seat by the window. Teacher to Hard Boy, "Book, pencil, anything? Why do you bother coming Hard Boy?" "I left all my stuff in another room." Teacher, "Go and get it then." "Do I have to?" "Well, this is a Maths lesson." "Humrff".
"Right! 168 divided by 2?" "68!" "Right. How many of these simple problems can you do in your head?" Pretty Girl, "Dmmf dt exrfer." Cool Chick, "Donāt ask me I canāt do any of Īem."
Teacher, "If you need to divide something by four what can you do?" Silly Boy, "Times it!" Teacher, "Can we write the answers down in a book?" Hard Boy, "Can do, yeah. Iāve got a pen!"
Teacher, "Add 1, 6 and 8 together. What do you get?" "14!" "12!" "15?"
Teacher, "What about 168 divided by 10?" "68?" "168.0!" "Sir! Itās 168.6!"
Teacher, "168 times 10?" Hard Boy, "One thousand six hundred and eighty!"
"Yes. Now just before we continue...Silly Boy! Pay attention...listen...some of you are becoming a little over-excited as a result of last weekās lesson. The idea is just a funny and entertaining portrayal of the confusing effects of travel forward and backward in time among the many worlds of perpendicular reality. I know itās easy to dismiss this as hocus-pocus but the implications are very close to some of the ideas spelled out in Chapter Eleven of your homework guide.
Now, letās get back. Whatās168 divided by two?" Silence. Teacher, "168 divided by four is 168 divided by two then by two again. Pretty Girl, whatās 168 divided by 10?" Silly Boy shouts out his answer. Teacher, "Are you Pretty Girl?" "Yes, Sir" "Time to pack up."
Dynnargh welcome Mire se vini mire se erdhet aang jedip kelgeneerle utkip turum Kirzeer skee-kissen haāandah merhaba marhaban
Welcome to Delphi Incomprehensive
History
Teacher, "Our outing to Pindanny Castle is on Monday." Duffy, "Can we go twice, sir?" Teacher, "Whereās Budgie?" Duffy, "Drama." Teacher, "Good. My god I must do your reports."
Just then the teacher is called out of the room, then he returns and leaves again. One of the students is making a movie in the classroom.
"Sorry. Letās start again. Good morning everyone. Page 84-ish please." "Godfrey, tops off please." Duffy, "Sir, what does Īevergreenā mean?" Teacher, "Cheers George. Just very quickly, could you make sure,"·changes voice to deep American·"you get the form signed? I know youāre mature etc" then he realises heās being patronising...."you can have a lie in till five to ten because we donāt meet till ten at the entrance to the castle. Hello? Anyone? Duffy, coming to you any second. Do wear school uniform. 12% of your no-exam marks come from the visit."
Tinkerbell waves to someone outside. Jaylo says, "You can tell itās your sister you look so alike." Tinkerbell, "No we donāt!"
Duffy, "Sir, do we get a field trip to the Great Plains after weāve been to the Castle?" Teacher leaves the room for a second and, strangely, everyone stops talking. When he comes back in everyone starts up again. Duffy, "I did History to learn about the world war ö now were not gonna do it till Iāve left school." Jojo, "Why not have a Future class?" Teacher, "Futuristic and groovy, I believe· Jojo? 89! Mother-in-law jokes in a minute·Sssh·Come on·Alf!...Shush·Homesteaders! ·Jaylo thank you and Tink·They had different reasons for doing the same thing·Now! Duffy!...One·Tink·no sorry. Jay..."
Duffy has an idea. "Sir, if we studied the Historical Development of Quantum Theory by Mehra and Rechenberg, would that count as studying the future?" The teacher tries to regain his confidence by stopping Alf from fading into the past on Tinkerbellās light quanta. But he protests, "She stole mine!"
Teacher, "Very hot in summer·very dry in·Jaylo·no·help when·shush·no infrastructure·listen up·please Iād like you to take·" Heās interrupted by the sound of sawing. "Shh·89· task at bottom of page 86·."...deep voice again· "something intelligent·Jay?...wind pump·" Duffy, "Sir? Whatās a sod buster?"
For some reason this cues the teacher to fall into some very strange banter, "Hey, groove around. Iāll leave you to research and answer the questions·come on now·lets get started...", which leaves the class completely insecure and wanting their mummies.
A loud belch signals the indigestion of a bottle of Īorangeā drink stuffed full of the ĪEā numbers and food dye so popular with students in this school. Tinkerbell doesnāt like it. "Aggh! That stinks!" She is holding scissors. "Sir? Can I cut your hair?" Duffy "Sir, your receding hair is now your neck hair." Tink, "Alfie, can I cut yours?" Alfie, "Give me your scissors."
Teacherās doing the register, "Susan·silence·" "Sir? Sheās not in this class." Sir, "Oh, I just say that every few weeks to see if youāre still awake. Silence please. Saphire?" Fenella trims Alfieās hair. Lots of laughter. Teacher, "Shush. Tink! Tink! Please put your scissors down" Tinkerbell, "More trimming? Free haircuts?" Teacher, "Itās gone quiet." He does the register in silence. Tinkerbell, horrified, calls out so everyone can hear, "Alfie, I can see your thongs!" Alfie is pleased, "So now you know my secret." Teacher, "Cāmon you lot. Shaddap." in his Benny Hill voice. Thereās continued trimming of Alfieās hair. The Teacher is now concerned for safety because the scissors are obviously sharp. "Alfie are you enjoying this?" Well, that shifts the responsibility to Alfie.
Tinkerbell wants some attention, "My grandma had a cataracts operation and needed a general anaestetic. But sheās still alive." The room falls silent. The Teacher sees his opportunity. "Ok! How we doing?" "Weāre not!" "Joseph your penās not working."
Everyone goes quiet, then realising theyāre quiet, decide to start up again. Lately Iāve been forgetting to wear my watch.
"You bastard! You can do this for the rest of the term." Tinkerbell, "Saving Grace is the best film ever."
Please do some work! Seriously! Duffy! Thereās only ten minutes left. Come on group!" But everyoneās talking about movies whilst the Teacher has a Īone-to-oneā with someone at the back. "Fenella! Alfie! Can we get a little work done now, please? OK, Lilly? Sssh. Ssssh. Jay?Jay? Jaylo!" Sir talks about natural hazards for the Homesteaders.
Alfie, "Look how clean my rubber is." And proudly holds it aloft. Teacher, "Looks like a bit of soap", hoping this friendly rejoinder will encourage some last minute attempt at some work from the class. Alfie smiles, "Thatās because I clean it after every lesson." Teacher, "Nice to see you do something constructive in your spare time." Did I hear someone mutter, 'Foff'? The Teacher looks the other way, slightly embarrassed. "I need my specs. SShh. Listen to me now·.please·plough the land·stop talking·turkey red·crisp packets·fuel·sod in scrabble·donāt doubt it·piece of earth...I played·last night·.shouldnāt have said that" · grabs attention back just in time·
Dynnargh welcome kolipaio Cat oc lok paja keblar fesapshi welkom ahup yan mayad-ayad nga pag-abot ont&iaacute ontitoka ontitokaaha ontiibiyoka Selam
English
Teacher, "Heading: ĪSalem Itselfā. Who threw that piece of paper?" Nutter, "It was me!" Teacher, "Thank you,at least youāre honest. You can clean my floor." Nutter, "Do I get a credit?"
Teacher, "John Proctor was about 50." "Yeuk!" "Some records put him at 60!" "Uggh!"
The boy Iām helping has a crumb of some black oily substance on the end of his finger. "Smell that sir. Itās dope." As far as I was concerned it might have been some waste nasal product. It doesnāt smell of anything.
The Head Teacher enters with a face like thunder and extracts Lippy from the group. After a while the PE teacher enters and extracts Sulky in the same way. The lesson continues in silence.
After their interrogation, Lippy and Sulky eventually return with pink detention slips. The Teacher continues, "In Salem, sex was in every girlās mind."
The room is far too quiet for Lippy and this could be her chance to draw some attention, "Miss, is it true that Indians had sex with buffaloes?" Sulky sees her opportunity. "Nunās are weird". Lippy chimes up, "We got the blame for setting fire to the bin in the toilets." The Teacher, "Well you were caught on camera as the last girls in there before the fire was discovered." Lippy sulks, "Well, youāve got to have a pee." The Teacher sees a joke, "But you donāt have to set fire to the bin" Sulky, "But we didnāt do it."
The Teacher, "Well then youāve nothing to fear, have you?" "Just because we went for a pee. Itās not fair."
These things are true and I swear they happened just like this.
Please read this quietly to yourself, or whisper it to a friend.
The overwhelming support for your latest school facility, The Dream Library, has been as cosy as toast. It was originally intended to help insomniacs while away those empty, lonely days when they just lay skiving in bed, tossing and turning, tapping their fingers in time to their mini disc and wasting precious moments.
Well now the DIDL can supply everyone with dreams. Reams of dreams!
Weāve got lucid dreams, day dreams, even sweet dreams not to mention a few well chosen nightmares in high digital sensitivity.
Weāve even got Dream Lover, Dream Soup, and Dream On to name but a few and even a few copies of the ever popular Aboriginal Dream Time Review.
Why, we have happy dreams, sad dreams, funny dreams. Those students whoāve tried our dreams just canāt wait to get to sleep. But you know all that already!
Year 11 students will need a signed release form ES101.5 from a parent or guardian if they wish to stay over in someone else's dream plus a letter of permission from the parent or guardian of the friend who's having the dream they wish to stay over in. Sorry about this but last term far too many students were meeting up in someone's dream and staying out all night. This encouraged dreamcrashers and the music was way too loud.
Just one thing gentlefolk, far too many of you are still leaving stuff behind when you go. Some dreams are mixed up with childhood dreams or somebody elseās opportunities and itās just not fair on other borrowers. So, please think of others.
The Lost Properly Office Just this week alone we have stored: someoneās time, someoneās will to live and someoneās way.
Iām not criticising, Iām just whispering, "please be more thoughtful, thatās all· night, night, everyone·sleeptight."
Dynnargh welcome bien venue Kalos orisate Yo koso Irkht erganavidn Velkommen Ji ayan nun Bon bini ?dv?z?ljk Ilo la
First Lesson Science Yr.10
The room is hot and stuffy. Thereās the nauseating catch of heavy cheap perfume in our throats. "Sir, why are the heaters on?" Teacher: "Iāll get the windows open in a minute." "The windows are open, sir" Teacher: "Iāll get the windows more open in a minute" The Drone groans. "Sir? Wot are we supposed to be doing?" "Find whatever your weakest at, look it up in the book and make a poster of it." "You mightāve bloominā told me." Take your coat off Rabbit before you dehydrate and die. Thank you, Rabbit. Do it now." The Rabbit is buried beneath acres of puffer jacket. The Drone is in full flow. "Sir, heās bullying me. He said Iām small chested" "Whenās our next holiday?" asks The Fishermanās Son. Thereās a strong smell of stale Petuli Oil in the laboratory. Joanna and Selina return from having a fag and being sick. "Why do you two smell of cigarettes?" "Because, unlike teachers, weāve got nowhere to go for a smoke. At least they can sit in their cars." "Whatās that got to do with anything?" A boy at the back has been out in the rain and he is soaked. His hair hangs around his head hiding all his features. He has the look of a very wet Dulux dog. The teacher begins the lesson, as he does every lesson with this group, by asking him to take his hat off. Dulux isn't wearing a hat. It's in a little woolly pile infront of him dripping rain onto the floor. Blin and The TV Presenter exchange benign smiles. I'm sure they've been here before and seen it all before. perhaps in another time warp, they know there's nothing to worry about. Joanna sprays herself with more Petuli Oil to disguise the smell of stale tobacco. "Sir, I tried cannabis once but as they say Īonce tried never againā." Just then a pig flies past the window. The Drone does her best to develop hiccups. "Sir, can you put some music on?" "In a minute Iām just getting myself up to pace. Letās see whoās here." He calls the first two names on the register but after being completely ignored, he continues with the rest in silence. Po listens to her personal stereo. The Drone wanders over to watch Marcel Kellog making a Timebow in the air above his desk then on her way back to her seat, does her weekly investigation of the supplies cupboard. Someone yells, "Play Matrix." Someone else yells, "Thatās rubbish sir." "Shaddup! Sir, itās not rubbish." "Oh bloody hell. Put something on for Christās sake. The lessonās nearly over, come on!" The teacher leaves the room. Strangely, everyone stops talking. The teacher returns. "Itās the yoyo effect. In and out. In and out. Rabbit! Rabbit! Come here." Rabbit is caught disappearing down a space vortex in the laboratory time/mass continuum. "Sir, youāre really losing your hair now, arenāt you?" "I donāt need it. I mean, whatās it for anyway?" "Sir, it makes us look beautiful." "So are you saying that babies, being bald, are ugly?" asks the teacher smugly. "Yes sir. Definitely!"
Dynnargh welcome bien venue Kalos orisate Yo koso Irkht erganavidn Velkommen Ji ayan nun Bon bini ?dv?z?ljk Ilo la
FACULTIES Here you can find out about each department in the school. As each faculty develops its own page, hyperlinks to their individual pages will become available.
Foundation Course Personal Development Personal Odour Awareness etc.
Food Technology Cooking The Myth of the Lollipop Pasty (1) Flying with Quanta Particle Wave Ovens
English Gossip ö genuine, unfounded, mixed. Texting possibilities
Geography Collapsing waves
History Celbrities Exams Baseball caps
IT The meaning of IT ö meditation, reflection, day dreaming science, self-hypnotism etc.
Mathematics Advanced counting (10±)
Modern Languages Swearing in coloured tongues Having a Chat
Science Basic Quantum Physics for those who donāt see the point Twisted Time Space Unravelled The Spin Paradox in a Nutshell Photons and Electrons Playing with Matches
Design & Technology Computer Hacking, Hi-jacking, Passwords and 747s Super-time Diagrams Curved Space with Attitude. Knitting with Nano Technology and Buddhism
PE Breathing in and out ö the basics. Quantum Leaps Time lag
Anthropological Sports The Global DNA Gene Pool Tournament Arson Teacher Paint Balling
Gardening Planting the Seeds of Dreams Harvesting Good Wishes
Dynnargh welcome bien venue Kalos orisate Yo koso Irkht erganavidn Velkommen Ji ayan nun Bon bini ?dv?z?ljk Ilo la
PROSPECTUS
Welcome to Delphi Incomprehensive
Delphi Incomprehensive School exists to ensure that all our students have fun and successfully support each other in a caring environment.
Our experienced and highly skilled staff work to produce the highest possible standards in this 11-18 incomprehensive school.
All students receive a broad and balanced curriculum throughout their years of voluntary education. The school has an excellent academic tradition, with achievement at both Academic Success and Recreational Activity Levels (RA-levels) regularly amongst the best in Cornwall. In 1598 "Ye Olde Wild West Briton" listed Delphi Incomprehensive as the top, if not the only, performer amongst all the fun schools of Cornwall, based upon its ten-minute lessons, social factors and, in fact, having a good time all round.
Delphi Incomprehensive is proud of its achievements, which include regularly getting to No. 1 on both sides of the Atlantic, Investors in Quantum Physics and Reality and the Investors in Clothing Design and Skateboarding Partnership. The school enjoys regular success in national and local competitions and demonstrates strength across the curriculum from Social Awareness and Humanities, through Technology to Shoplifting Science.
The school is well equipped and set in large, attractive marshland which provides for a range of unique sporting and environmental activities.
Bullies are not tolerated. The last one was put on night duty at the crematorium.
The site has undergone extensive upgrading and now includes a brand new banqueting hall (diluted aptitude drinks, concentrated attention colas and much more comfortable sofas), a dream library, a heated indoor swimming pool and jacuzzi, a night club with dance studios, a state-of-the-art music suite and recording studio, six new skateboarding ramps, a time-machine, assimilated weightlessness pods and graffitti walls with lots of coloured pencils and interactive white board facilities.
Other areas of the school have been re-built to provide a new video library, computer-game rooms and well equipped Īridicule-the teacherā rooms.
There are no exams. Instead all students are overseen by a personal guru, who provides care for the development of tolerance and compassion in the individual and continuity of progression from day to day and year to year, except for those students who undertake a home-centered subliminal suggestion curriculum, i.e. nocturnal learning systems, which allow students all-day freedom by learning whilst they sleep. Tutor teams are coordinated by a Year Head, who has an overview of the whole year group.
Delphi Incomprehensive School provides a friendly and stimulating environment where students learn to develop responsibility through good relationships with Schrodingerās cat and other pet theories. The student council provides an opportunity for all students to represent their views and ideas at parties which might or might not then be forgotten depending whatās on offer.
We are happy to welcome visitors to the school, and to discuss the provision for your son or daughter or whatever.
Wednesday, June 04, 2003
DELPHI INCOMPREHENSIVE SCHOOL, TREPANNING, CORNWALL.
Hi Wednesday morning First lesson Yr. 9 Maths.
Teacher: As pretty as they make you look, can you take your earrings out please? Moody Martha: Tuts and sulks. Teacher:OK. Letās play Bingo ö breaks us in. Silly boy: Can we play Bingo, sir? Hard boy stomps into the classroom with his hood up and without acknowledging the teacher, slumps into his chair. The teacher smiles and quietly says "·yo·" Silly boy: What would happen if I set fire to this pen? Teacher: It would burn. Here we go then. Someone shouts out: Sir, Hard boyās headās bin shaved like an egg. Teacher: You donāt shave eggs. Silly boy: Like a billiard ball then. Teacher: You donāt shave Billiard balls. Look can we just get on with the Bingo please? Big J.: My pen donāt work! Teacher: Whatās five squared? Clever Boy: A number. Silly Boy: Like a ladyās armpit, sir. Silence. Teacher: 3 times 17? Tom: 51 Silly Boy: What? Teacher: 3 times 17! Tom: 51, sir. Hard Boy: Donāt know. Big J.: My penās run out! Teacher: Unlucky for some! Silly Boy: 31! Teacher: Nine threes? Silence. Teacher: six times seven? Various: 13! 41! 42! 47, sir! Teacher: Numero Uno! Hard Boy: What about it? Teaher: Weāre playing Bingo! Hard Boy: Oh Yeah. Teacher: Seven twos? Hard Boy: What? Teacher: Two sevens. Hard Boy: Malke your mind up! Teacher: Two times seven is the same as seven times two. Silly Boy: Which is? Teacher: Fourteen. Silly Boy: Thanks sir. Iāve got Bingo! Do I get a prize? Teacher: Yes. You get a grape! Silly Boy: No thanks! I turn all my bogies into grapes. Teacher: For your homework finish the Wordsearch. Pretty girl: Sir, I canāt fit mine into my bag. Silly Boy: The dog peed on mine. Teacher: Already? Silly Boy: Ooops!
Tuesday, June 03, 2003
Hi Tuesday When I got home from school, we had a phone message from ĪJasonā the burglar and funnily enough his real name is Nick and that makes me laugh. Itās such a cheap joke. How can this burglar be called Nick? The police say they feel they should let him off because there was no real crime committed and I agree as long as he replaces the horrible pot and buys us some plants. Anyway, he wants to come and be a good boy. Burglar Nick arrived around 3o minutes ago and already he's made good and gone. He also made a good repair to the piping round the window, gave it a polish and presented us his apology in the form of a tray of Petunias and a nice sized plant pot. So it was an honest mistake that he took too far. Good job I didn't get really mad and shoot him. Except that I'm none violent and obviously don't have a gun.
Anyway, we shook hands and parted on good terms. I phoned Dave the Cop to tell him of the outcome and he was as pleased as we were. Allās well that ends well.
Monday, June 02, 2003
DELPHI INCOMPREHENSIVE SCHOOL, TREPANNING,CORNWALL
History Last lesson First day back after half term break. Hi!
The teacher stands before his class. He looks tired. "Stop talking now please. Fenella thatās enough." LOUD SNORT. "Yum. Yum" Someoneās eating. "Anyone want a sweet?" The teacher speaks, "Homesteaders. Who were they? Why were they there etc. etc· Recapping. A definition of Homesteading." Suddenly he slips out of the room. The Afghan is in playful mood and so steals his glasses. He comes back in and because no one can answer the question, he gives them the answer. Then, "No. Donāt do that please." The class reluctantly quietens down but they are straining at the leash. "By the end of·Gents! OK!·By the end of todayās lesson I hope youāll know two main facts. Why did the Homesteaders go out on the plains·Quiet!·(giggling)·goldminers·Donner Party·" Thereās crinkling of crisp packets and the hissing of bottle caps slicing through his lesson. A knock on the door and another teacher pokes his head in. The history teacher loses the classās attention and has to start again. "What could possibly have made thousands of people leave everything behind to go and live"·thereās a girl in the fron row putting the finishing touches to her make-up. "Can I finish this, Damien?" The make-up girl changes her top. "Damien! Hank!"·the girl leaves·"Be quiet please!" Now someone is clacking and rattling pencils together. "Put your pencils down, please." Someone starts making popping noises with their mouth. "Jude! Damien! Please! Now, do you want to just write these questions down please?" The noise of talking rumbles ominously. "Well then, just put the first question down." The Afghan doesnāt like the cover of her work book."This is such a dirty book!" "Alf!" The Afghan again, "God is evil!" "Weāll pause there for a moment. Afghan! Shush!" Thereās the sound of pencils clacking and rattling. Someone calls out, "Free land." The teacher gives in. "Just put a line about each of the three Land Acts. Afghan? Why are you sucking a babyās dummy?" Thereās the sound of a sharp intake of breath but before she can think of a reason, we get a blast of loud music from outside. The teacher turns to me and asks,"Where do you think that is coming from?" "Outside" I guess, and he nods and smiles as though heās losing his mind. "Everyone finished?" "I just started, sir." "Sir? Whenās the next holiday?" "Seven weeks. Oh Damn. Longer than I thought myself. Oh, well. Damien have you finished? Come on." "I got a Chelsea shirt. I wipe my ass with it when I go toilet." "Sorry Damien?" "Nothing sir." Thereās the loud clatter of pencils falling on the floor. "OK. Letās move on. OK. Here we go. Hereās the deal. Iām going to give you ten minutes to look at page·Fenella! Sh!·page 83. Fenella can you listen to me please? Write down a list, if you can, of eight different reasons why people might·Damien!·become Homesteaders·Damien! Listen up!·Alf! What are you doing?" A Yr. 11 boy walks past the window and heās so thrilled to see the History teacher he calls through the open window "Alright, Sir!" The teacher grins, "Oh, hello, Phillip." The Afghan obviously recognises the lad, "That bastard owes me three quid." "Gareth listen up, please. Alf what you doing? Fenella will you stop that now?" Fenella tries it on. "Sir, I canāt help it." The Afghan defends her,"Sheās got an obsessive compulsive disorder syndrome. God is evil!" Fenella has spent the lesson constructing a Toblerone shape out of pencils. The teacher looks down and smiles. "That looks like a Toblerone. Can you get on with your work, please?" Just then the pencils clatter to the floor again. "Arsenalās a brilliant team." "Alf! Alf? Do your work please!" "Who do you support sir?" The Afghan complains "Do you know what? Alf told everyone I was a Lesbian." "Well, I thought you were. I wasnāt judging you." "Sir, you know when you say ĪIām very tiredā in French? Itās very funny." One of the boys starts eating a pork pie. The teacher looks at me and says, "Would you like some pie?" Iām confused. "Sir, youāve got in-growing hair." "Alright. Alright." The teacher is clearly embarrassed. "Alf! Alf itās time to do some work." The teacher slips out of the room again and the Afghan takes this opportunity to hide his marker pens. She yells at Alf ,"Donāt spit in my book! Yuk! Well Iām not going to touch that now!" and knocks the book on the floor. The teacher returns and she bleats, "Sir, can you pick up my book please?" Her smile would melt an iceberg. The teacher does so and whispers to the boy next to her, "Alf can you get started now, please?" "Beckhamās going to Madrid" "Dexter! Put your pie away." "Sorry, sir. Iāll do some work now." "Alf, come on. Ssh! Oi! Adrian! Come on! Fenella! Bessy! OK! Listen up, please! Alf! Alf! I need your·Alf!·concentration·Dexter!" The Afghan is having nicotine withdrawal symptoms. "You bitch," to no one in particular, "Oh, dear. What was the question, sir?" "Afghan! Will you be quiet? The railway companies wanted to make more money·freight...cheap land·ex-slaves·" Heās definitely losing the will to live. "Cheep! Cheep!" "Shush! Frodo? Dexter? Alf? Shush! Be quiet! Please Fenella? Be more precise. Oh, I suppose Iām splitting hairs now arenāt I" "Whatās left of them, sir! Curiosity and adventure killed the cat, sir!" The teacher finally gives a sigh of relief as the siren goes and says "Lilly, can you collect the books in, please?" Then he looks over at me and says, "Am I wrong or has this been a difficult day back?"
