Rules of the Moment: 16-17. Horses.

16. Safety first.
You can’t trust a horse. Though beloved of pre-teenage girls, horses and ponies are dense, irrational animals that, like the front page of the Daily Mail, oscillate wildly between the negative states of anger and fright. (Their third state, that of a strong and rather useful glue, occurs only after lengthy boiling.) A more positive view of horses is available in the journals of Black Beauty – quite smart for a horse, but still an atrocious writer.

The Myway Code states that you should avoid equine contact altogether except in the context of a healthy wager of several hundred pounds every year on the Grand National. The bet will at least reinforce your aversion to the deceitful, untrustworthy buggers and you will give them the wide berth they seem to need. Of course all of this is a moot point if you actually resemble a horse and Daddy doesn’t mind buying hay for your only friend.

17. Protective clothing.
There are a number of styles of protective clothing, depending on what kind of stupid horse riding you wish to participate in.

1. Old money fox hunters like to wear a red coat, jodhpurs, riding hat and a supercilious sneer.
2. This is the Disney view of horses – specifically, horses from the cartoon age of chivalry, where men were men and women were basically so pathetic they were unable to do anything more complex than grow 20 feet of blonde hair and ride sidesaddle into a technicolor sunset on a soft-focussed horse. Horses that, like medieval Princess Barbie, have no anus and cannot hurt you because they are kind and love you in a non-alarming way. Not horses that could break both your legs, shit on your face, eat all your sugar and then present you with Rolf Harris’s vet bill. No, not those horses at all, oh no.

The VDLA, in its 'wisdom', has decided to rewrite the Highway Code after 75 years - in line with the rules commonly encountered on the nation's roads today. From now on, The Highway Code becomes The Myway Code and will be available from all good bookshops as well as these Waterstone's and Amazon links. (Open in new windows.)

 Britain: What A State

The Department of Social Scrutiny's guide to your entire life in Britain. Includes all necessary tax and identity card application forms and a full guide to the British public transport system, as officially sanctioned by Notwork Rail.

Plus: New retirement guide "Are You Alright, Dear", handy graduated tea strength colour matching chart and official guidelines for the consumption of cake, biscuits and other snacks served at ambient room temperature.

Britain: What A State

�Thank God: a book that's both clever and funny. Deserves a place on the lap of every comedy fan in Britain.� Charlie Brooker
�If you wince at the word 'benchmark', this neat parody could be just the thing to cheer you up.� Sunday Telegraph Magazine