Frequently Asked FAQs

Can you tell me a little bit about the DoSS website?

This website incorporates 150 cubic yards of JavaScript sprayed onto a lightweight superstructure of broken promises and Cryptically-Encoded-Hyperbole (CEH) - the new super-smooth non-stick material that lines the Space Shuttle lavatory and the press briefing room at Downing Street.

Where does all the money go?

 

You've mentioned chairs twice. How come?

In our full accounts, the additional office chair is balanced on the credit side by the presence of a chair fashioned from anti-matter. If we were to show both the chair and the anti-chair on the same graph the damage to the pie chart would be colossal.

The graph only adds up to 80%. How come?

Oh, it's you again. This is a bug in your web browser that is unable to handle modern accounting, particularly the new technique of bent numbers ï the practise of plotting four different axes onto a three dimensional graph on a two dimensional surface. The accountant bends two copies of the graph and plots points using polarised light and a pair of specially adapted cheap sunglasses.

I have applied for a job with DoSS. How will I know whether my application was successful?

DoSS regularly communicates with its agents in the field via messages left in their household refuse. If you have not thought of going through your bin for secret mail from the Government, then we're sorry, you are simply too mentally stable to work for us. Thank you for your interest.

I'd like to write some favourable and compelling copy about DoSS. Where do I get your graphics from?

You can download both of our logos here.

 

Terms of use:

• The two colours used in the DoSS logo are "Selsey Flapjack" and "Vichy Whisper".
• When using the chartermark, you must position it not more than 30cm away from a Government Minister at all times.
• You may face criminal prosecution if you use any of these logos in a way that reflects badly on DoSS: ie - pornography, pyramid schemes, negative news stories.

I agree to these terms:

 

 

 Britain: What A State

The Department of Social Scrutiny's guide to your entire life in Britain. Includes all necessary tax and identity card application forms and a full guide to the British public transport system, as officially sanctioned by Notwork Rail.

Plus: New retirement guide "Are You Alright, Dear", handy graduated tea strength colour matching chart and official guidelines for the consumption of cake, biscuits and other snacks served at ambient room temperature.

Britain: What A State

 

�Thank God: a book that's both clever and funny. Deserves a place on the lap of every comedy fan in Britain.� Charlie Brooker
�If you wince at the word 'benchmark', this neat parody could be just the thing to cheer you up.� Sunday Telegraph Magazine