The Department of Social Scrutiny is committed to making you feel safe and cared for in the all-too-short years before your eventual death. To that end, we are proud to offer you the chance of registering with our free Pensioner Appraisal Programme, which gives you, the senior citizen, the chance to give us the benefit of your opinions on public services, as well as how things donít taste like they once did and why the war was so much fun. Just fill out the form above and send it back to us, enclosing some boiled sweets and your current pension book.
Donít worry, weíll send your pension book straight back to you, after we have verified your age and played a few sessions of Unreal Tournament Death Squad on the office network.
Each and every registered pensioner gets a free packet of damp petticoat tail shortbread to threaten their grandchildren with, an upgraded funeral plan and enough Winter Fuel Bonus to warm their home to 180į Fahrenheit.
"Thank God: a book that's both clever and funny. Deserves a place on the lap of every comedy fan in Britain." Charlie Brooker
"If you wince at the word 'benchmark', this neat parody could be just the thing to cheer you up." Sunday Telegraph Magazine